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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

2:15 am and unable to sleep!!!!

Wow the pain has done a number on me tonight.  My arm hurts more then words can say.  All i feel is stabbing knife in the back of my arm with tingling finger tips.  this is  all from having 28 lymph nodes removed.  Will this pain last forever?  All I want at this moment is the old Becky back.  I want to roll over on my belly I want to be near my husband...but non of that works.  I am positioned so that I go untouched.  my body feels like its been run over by a mac truck.  and wripped into 30 pieces. oh Lord please help lesson the pain ...or just take it away.  I know that this is not going to be easy but who would have thought that at almost 3 weeks post op I would be feeling this way.  I need myself back I need the constant laughter and joking.  I need to be able to cuddle with my kids and not constantly worried about what they might hurt.  I just miss me!!!!  SO lets get this show on the road and lets beat this.  I say lets because I know how many of you pray and keep me in your thoughts and I know that with that I wont beat this alone but with all of you.  Thank you all for everything the thoughts,prayers,dinners,gifts,hugs,kisses home makeovers and helping with my children who only know mommy to be strong and laugh and play.  My Alex is as sweet as can be he is always smiling and telling me how much he loves Matt and I and how thankful he is to be here to help us through this battle his friends continue to come over and are very respectfull.  My Isabella just wants her momma back I think loosing my hair is going to be hardest on her.  And my sweet little Blakie he is just my cuddle bug he lies up on the pillows above me just to hug me.  he is always asking me what i need do I need a water or crackers he is so sweet and so helpful and........oh yes still so whiny.  I am so thankful for eveyones help and I know that my pain level would be way more without everyone.  My parents have been the greatest support Mom goes to every apt and never misses a word said.  she feeds me hard boiled eggs like im a bird just to get food in me lol.  My dad is worried for his baby girl and just wants everything better.   THat big teddy bear is my shoulder to lean on thats for sure even i do make that big man cry lol.   My Inlaws have been amazing they have takin the kids well mostly Blake days on end even to the point that I have no idea where they are just that they are safe:)  My mother in law has kept my bed made house clean all the things that I cant do yet.  I am more then thankful for what they do for us.  My sister Amy who ALWAYS has izzi thank you so much its nice to have her home tonight.  this is the reason we had our little angels so close together!  Laura thanks for helping with the kids on call even if golf might get in the way (LOL) .  To my friends and the rest of my family thank you for everything the bedroom and bathrooms makeovers the dinners that have been set and delivered and delicious.  I am so blessed to have such a great network of friends and family. I know that soon very soon i will be strong and looking back at all of this like it was nothing.  I also am so thankful for Erin and Toni who have run the benefit for the weekend a head.  Also thank you to everyone else who has helped in any way shap or form I know that I would be doing back flips for any one of you I just hope its not over cancer because I have this one covered.  alright now Im off to try again for the 4th time to go to sleep lol.  thank you all Love you all Becky

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