today went fine

as i sat in the infusion room it was sad to me to look at how sick everyone looked. all i could think abouty is that i am going to try my hardest to not get that look like life is ending because i know th is is just the start for me.  this will make me stronger. i spent today smiling and thankful  for all that i have.  i know that somedays i may not feel this strength but today im happy to not feel like i thought i would. thank you all for your prayers.  becky

Today is the DAY by Mom

      So I wake up at 4:30am thinking and praying about this glorious week.  We are having a wonderful week- this is our family Beach Week in Misquamicut, RI.  All our children are down at the beach house we rent with aunties, uncles and cousins.  This is definitely the year of the teens!  There are 9 teens and almost teens-and 7 more little people , what a wonderful sound of laughter and shrieks of joy as waves crash around them.  Becky will post photos she has taken.  Another exciting event was watching our grandson Trevor and his baseball team -Waterford south- win the State Championship in Willimantic, Ct on Sunday.  It was a great birthday gift for Phil- who turned 63 that day-shhhhhh!  Waterford South- now Ct Champions 9-10 year olds- will be heading to Cranston RI next Sunday to play against Maine for the New England Title.

BUT today Becky starts chemo!   She's ready....we are ready ..... but are we really ready???   I do this for a living.  I treat men and women 3 days a week in Florida for various cancers and yet I am nervous- go figure.  Sometimes I feel like we are hiking, marching, struggling up a mountain then just as quickly the path levels out but soon is slopping down and we can't stop the downward slide.  So here I sit waiting for everyone to wake up- thinking STOP....forget this.... let's just go to the beach!!!!!   BUT later this afternoon the drugs that will kill any cancer cells that maybe still hiding in my daughter's body will be doing the job.   I am so thankful for the science and research that has gone before us.

2 days away from first chemo treatment

As chemo is 2 days away I find myself very anxious.  I dont want all those drugs in my body!!!!!!  I Dont want cancer.......  and I really don't want to loose my HAIR!!!!!!!!!!  so many things that I have no control over and I hate not being in control.   But what I am blessed to have is my family and friends that have stood by my side for these past 2 months and cried and laughed with me:) 
Matt and I went to the CVS last night to pick up my scripts for all the meds I get to take at home WOW!!!! I start taking all the pre meds today and then Tuesday morning we head up to Yale for my first treatment.  I know that Im going to beat this but shit it is scary. I find myself randomly crying often lately I have finally reach the poi:nt of scared!! When I first heard the words "Becky you have cancer" I had no emotion my family and friends all cried and I just comforted them knowing that my time was coming and I have to say here it is I am scared to death.  I cant sleep hardly eat and am always nauseous.  I have to busy of a summer for this I keep telling myself I need to just keep chugging forward.  Maybe it wont be as bad as Im expecting.  My next step is going to the radiologist and finding out if I will need radiation.  This is something I have been putting off.  In my mind I just want the chemo and then I want to be done.  But...... once again I am not in control ugh!  Thank you for all the prayers Love Becky

Off to Yale but first a stop for dinner with Matt and Marisa!!!!

I am off to Yale in the AM to have my port put in.  So prayers are welcome. I expect it to be a quick surgery about 1-2 hours in the OR and then of course recovery. I hope to make it home and feel well enough to go to Tylers bball game at 5pm!  A little crazy I know but I have to keep moving to get through this:))))  Chemo starts next Tuesday one week from today. 

We had a great night With Matt and Marisa dinner and the cousins got to have a great night of playing!  Thank you Matt and Marisa for dinner and watching the kids while we went to the plastic surg.  The kids talked the entire way home about getting together again soon.  We will see you in a few weeks for a pool date:)))))  Ill update on how the surgery went tomorrow.  Have a great night! 

Alex Lucas and Blake                                                      Blake Lucas Izzi and jordan

Lucas giving his big cousin the elbow!                                                                                                                                                             

                                                 

                                                   

Some pictures from Benefit that I've gotten!!! Thank you all again!!!!

 

                            My sisters Amy and Laura                                     Jessica Aunt Steph Andrew and Brian
                     I hate when I miss a sisters pictures

 

                                                                          Deb and Izzi

                                                                   Laura Jessi and Alex

                                                          My Girls I love them all so much!!!!

                                                             My Baby girl Isabella and I

                                                                            Uncle Dan and I

                                                         Thank you Erin for everything!!!

                                                                       Jessi and Izzi

                                                                               Rachel and I

                                                                          Cath and I

Amy Liz and Aunt Steph

My dad and his baby sister:)  Aunty Donna!

WOW what a day!!!!

I am way to tired to write tonight but the one thing I have to say is thank you soooooo much for everyone who attended my Benefit today!  I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!!! and all of those who put this together THANK YOU words cant even explain how I feel!!!  Erin Thank you so much your are an incredible friend and I am so thankful for you every day I love you girl!!! Toni thank you for all that you did also I know that you and Erin really did non stop work thank you I love you!!!!! Everyone else that help thank you too what a big turn out and what a great day.  I'm so glad I was strong enough to be there for the entire time. More gabbing to come later!!! 

                                                a few pictures sent my way~ These are my girls!!!!

                                                                              Rachel and I

me and my Cathie

Martina McBrides Im gonna love you through it!!

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Long Day!!!!

First off the night ended by my nephew Tyler winning the next level of allstars so off we go to sectionals What a great game the team played way to go Waterford South!!!!!

Trevor is already playing sectionals first game tonight!!!!! 

This morning Matt and I woke up super early to head to Yale AGAIN!!!!  this time for a Muga of my heart to make sure its strong enough to handle the chemo I will be receiving.  Then we went to the cancer center for a meeting to explain everything I will be going through with chemo.. Holy Crap I need I big old calender because there is NO way I will remember all of this haha~~~~

When we first sat down with Lynnanne the oncology nurse she opened the folder and said WOW this is quite the mixture this is a strong protocol one I don't see to often at your age.  I instantly started crying thinking oh gosh How am I ever going to be able to get through this if I'm still in constant pain from my surgery.....then I said to myself "Becky you are way to strong to let this get the best of you."  so I put the box of tissues away and listened with no tears getting the best of me.....trust me those will come later (or now as I write this lol).

So for all of you medical friends out there or just those who have been through this I will be on what they call the TAC chemotherapy Taxotere adriamycin cytoxan all of which have ten thousand of course side effects that I guess would be the reason I came home with 12 perceptions. its just so hard to believe that I was a strong mom running twelve million places and now I leave the house for just little times a day.  As she was going over the meds I will be taking she mentioned Decadron Matt and looked at each other and started laughing....Man this was the med Ava was on when she was taking chemo and MAN she was the nasty nasty nasty!!!!! I looked at Matt and said just lock me in the room If I start acting like Ava did haha.  Man she was nasty during that time the claws would come out!!! so lets hope I have a better reaction or I may have no friends left at the end of this lol!!!!

Me and My niece Ava who has leukemia and will be cured March 7th 2012 who would have thought two years ago when we walked the relay for life that in 2013 we will walking it together as survivors:)

Yesterday My friend Erin came over to the house looked at me and said man you look like shit!!!!!  She said be at my house for dinner at 5:30 I looked at her like she was crazy and Matt looked at me and said you have 2 hours and we are leaving for Erins so get yourself up and ready lol what who the heck do they think they are telling me what to do when I feel like crap.   But... they won and we were over at Erins eating dinner and even heading down the river on the boat (nice and slow) to watch the Mohegan fireworks!!!!  I'm glad they forced me to get out of bed!!!

well enough gabbing for one night lol just kidding I could go all night!!!

 Keri  Erin and I waiting for the fireworks!!!!!

 Nothing better then friend ship!!!!!

                                             My Blake Keris nephew Colby and Erins Cami

 The faint rainbow over our heads:)

the kids loving the fireworks or as Blake calls them the boom booms!!!



2:15 am and unable to sleep!!!!

Wow the pain has done a number on me tonight.  My arm hurts more then words can say.  All i feel is stabbing knife in the back of my arm with tingling finger tips.  this is  all from having 28 lymph nodes removed.  Will this pain last forever?  All I want at this moment is the old Becky back.  I want to roll over on my belly I want to be near my husband...but non of that works.  I am positioned so that I go untouched.  my body feels like its been run over by a mac truck.  and wripped into 30 pieces. oh Lord please help lesson the pain ...or just take it away.  I know that this is not going to be easy but who would have thought that at almost 3 weeks post op I would be feeling this way.  I need myself back I need the constant laughter and joking.  I need to be able to cuddle with my kids and not constantly worried about what they might hurt.  I just miss me!!!!  SO lets get this show on the road and lets beat this.  I say lets because I know how many of you pray and keep me in your thoughts and I know that with that I wont beat this alone but with all of you.  Thank you all for everything the thoughts,prayers,dinners,gifts,hugs,kisses home makeovers and helping with my children who only know mommy to be strong and laugh and play.  My Alex is as sweet as can be he is always smiling and telling me how much he loves Matt and I and how thankful he is to be here to help us through this battle his friends continue to come over and are very respectfull.  My Isabella just wants her momma back I think loosing my hair is going to be hardest on her.  And my sweet little Blakie he is just my cuddle bug he lies up on the pillows above me just to hug me.  he is always asking me what i need do I need a water or crackers he is so sweet and so helpful and........oh yes still so whiny.  I am so thankful for eveyones help and I know that my pain level would be way more without everyone.  My parents have been the greatest support Mom goes to every apt and never misses a word said.  she feeds me hard boiled eggs like im a bird just to get food in me lol.  My dad is worried for his baby girl and just wants everything better.   THat big teddy bear is my shoulder to lean on thats for sure even i do make that big man cry lol.   My Inlaws have been amazing they have takin the kids well mostly Blake days on end even to the point that I have no idea where they are just that they are safe:)  My mother in law has kept my bed made house clean all the things that I cant do yet.  I am more then thankful for what they do for us.  My sister Amy who ALWAYS has izzi thank you so much its nice to have her home tonight.  this is the reason we had our little angels so close together!  Laura thanks for helping with the kids on call even if golf might get in the way (LOL) .  To my friends and the rest of my family thank you for everything the bedroom and bathrooms makeovers the dinners that have been set and delivered and delicious.  I am so blessed to have such a great network of friends and family. I know that soon very soon i will be strong and looking back at all of this like it was nothing.  I also am so thankful for Erin and Toni who have run the benefit for the weekend a head.  Also thank you to everyone else who has helped in any way shap or form I know that I would be doing back flips for any one of you I just hope its not over cancer because I have this one covered.  alright now Im off to try again for the 4th time to go to sleep lol.  thank you all Love you all Becky

A much better day!!!!

Matt the kids and I went down to my sister in laws boat yard....I needed to get out of the house:))  What a beautiful day I enjoyed sitting back with my legs up with the ocean air blowing for about  2 hours then headed into the boat and napped for another two hours.  How peaceful that was!!!!!!!  We even went for a ride.  I was scared about how the waves in the ocean would hurt but not bad at all.   I know that with everyday I will get stronger I just wish that day would be today!!! I just want to laugh and play kick ball with the kids.  But that time will come!!! I  trying to get myself off the narcotics because all they seem to do is make me cry so I only take one at night thats a sign that Im getting there. 

The only thing I can say is that I pray everyday that they will find a cure for this awful cancer and that no one else will ever have to go through the pain of having it removed!!!! Thank you everyone for your love prayers and support!  I am so lucky to have everyone of you:)))

Today I also pray for a good friend of mine that was in a major car crash.  He has made it tthrough a long long day of surgery's.  I pray that the next 24 hours he stays strong and the swelling doesn't increase!!!

Two weeks post op......

       No one could have prepared us for the suffering Becky would have to endure to cut the cancer from her body.  The 12 inch incision across her lower abdomen, the 4 inch incisions across each breast and the 6 drains which entered her body- 3 on each side.  It really has taken a toll on us all.   She is entering day15 since her surgery and is definately coming up from the pit.  

       We received the pathology report on day 14. Becky's breast surgeon is an amazing woman who took much time to make sure Becky understood every word of the pathology report.  The "true cancer tumor" (the cancer moved outside of the duct) was 3.2cm and out of the 28 lymph nodes they removed there was ONLY 1 with microscopic metastatic (was moving toward the lymph system) cell.  They also found a "pre-cancer mass -in situ"-( enclosed in another duct- same breast) 7cm x 1.5cm.  Her left breast and lymph nodes were completely cancer free. Then we heard the very beautiful words...."Becky you are now a cancer survivor"  we will see you in 6 months.
    The next step of this surreal journey is to visit the Medical Oncologist.  He will be laying out the plan for Becky's chemotherapy.  That appt is Tuesday 7/12/11.  We are getting closer to the areas that I am familiar with.  Before receiving certain chemo agents Becky will have to have an implanted port placed in her chest- so that the veins she has left won't be destroyed.  They can no longer use her right arm since removing the lymph nodes.

       So - how is Becky doing- she is deflated and tired of hurting.  She was really upset about the 7cm "pre-cancer" mass!!  During our ride home from Yale she made Amy  call to make that appt for a mammogram.
         But  Becky is still finding ways to help us through this crazy time... under her encouraging we all jumped in the car and drive to a close by parking lot to watch the amazing fireworks display last night.  There is nothing like a lot of booming, flashing, sparkling lights, and children smiles to brighten your spirit. We have laughed and cried a lot and are so thankful for every moment.
        Happy 4th of July to you all!!!!

Lots of pictures from the day of surgery to now!!!!! Hello could someone have remided me in my drugged stupper to put some makeup on (ERIN~DANA)?????

 Matt, Rachel, Laura, Erin and I enjoying the sun on the hospital deck!

We always have each others back . Lucky me its my turn!!!

                                                                    Keep going dont stop!!!!!!!!

                                              thats perfect really dont stop.... Matts thinking better her then me lol

                                                   My MHS girls giving me some loving!!!!

 Mom and Matt at the hospital garden!!! Day 4

 Matt Erin and I at the Hospital garden day 4

 Papa and Blake enjoying the view from the room this must have been day 2 because I dont even remember them being there lol!!!

 Nothing more loving then seeing a girls daddy trying to make EVERYTHING better!!

I LOVE this man!!!

 UGHHHHHHH The worse of the worse!!!!!

Man I love my mom but Nurse Deb always pushing me to the max.....I was way done with the walking and she made me keep going for WAY to long!!!!! and she looks so proud!!!! Love you mom!!

Me and my man.... by my side every step of the way  I think now that Im home Im way worse then I was while they were pumping those great drugs into my system!!!!  The other night I was having so much pain in my right upper arm while.  I was asleep that I blamed him for putting broken glass all over the bed. There is a reason this man stays with me lol!!!!!!

My friends painted my room and did a great make over:)))))

Brooke (Danas daughter) and Izzi playing in Izzis room with Zoe!!!

 This is the visiting spot ~ Dana Erin Cami Rae and my mom

My mother in laws friends stop by for a visit!

Matts sister Jenn and her husband Marten visit and hello once again anyone own makeup!!!! LOL

The girls

Dana's Brooke

My Izzi and

Erins Cami

Jill Johnsons sunshine basket I get to open one thing a day !!!

This was a big day of pain and erin MADE me get out of bed and my friend Toni stopped over